Wedding vows are like resolutions: Easy to make, but difficult to keep.

So, instead of saying, "I do," say, "I'll try."

No other institution has as many guidelines, books and discourses unraveling its intricacies as, perhaps, the institution of marriage. Yet, so many people get it wrong. Which is why, while marriages may be made in Heaven, they have to be worked out on Earth, to prevent them from ending up in Hell.

This, perhaps, is the reason, the Church took on the responsibility of broaching the much chartered but still rough terrain of marital life. Says Bombay-based Father Terence Quadros, "Members of the Church used to provide marriage counseling to couples whose marriages were in trouble. But then, it was felt that advising and counseling before marriage would be far more proactive, instead of waiting for problems to surface after marriage."

So the Church began to run pre-marital counselling classes.

Enter Father Pimenta, a priest instrumental for the past four decades in conducting these "classes," as they are referred to. There is nothing extraordinary about the fundamentals covered in the subject matter they contain. What is extraordinary is the number of people who enter the portals of married life without giving a thought to these fundamentals or discussing them with their life partners.

A pioneer in this field, Father Pimenta has this to say: "Parents are to be blamed if their children are not adequately prepared for marriage. The key to a successful marriage doesn't depend on educational qualifications or the position one holds in society. It lies in the characters of the persons involved. The problems arise due to the fact that men and women want different things. Women want love and affection while men want to possess. People lose themselves in these differences and fail to reach a mutually beneficial agreement or conclusion."

It is these very shortcomings that the Church seeks to remedy. It seeks to bring together soon-to-be-wedded couples on a common platform, to enable them to compare and combine their respective points of view. It simultaneously endeavours to acquaint them with certain marital home truths that, more often than not, get lost in the starry-eyed visions conjured up by the soon-to-be-married.

Presently, these pre-nuptial classes are compulsory couples for seeking to marry in a church. Non-Catholics couples hoping to tie the knot are also welcome to take advantage of these classes.

The choice of the session is left to the couples -- they can, according to their convenience -- attend the one day or weekend course. Each course is handled by a different group with the approval of the Snehalaya Family Service Centre, which runs this marriage preparation course.

The one-day classes -- or the marriage preparation counseling course as Father Joe Fernandes, director, Snehalaya and coordinator of these classes, prefers to term it -- rely on extensive inputs on married life and marriages from both professionals and married couples.

Discussions, slide shows and inputs from married couples are the aids used to cover a gamut of topics that range from family planning, child rearing, managing finances, solving conflicts, alcoholism, psychological differences between the sexes to living in society, religion, Church law and civil law.

Those questioning the expertise of the priests -- men committed to a lifetime of celibacy -- in man-woman relationships need not wonder for long. "Only qualified and trained professional counselors are permitted to take these sessions. And that too, with guidance from married couples," says Fr Fernandes.

Commenting on the feedback, he says, "There are two types of people who attend this session -- those who come willingly and those who come because it is compulsory. Both greatly appreciate the course and its relevance by the end of the course. But I feel the maximum benefit is derived by those who come in around six months before their marriage."

The weekend classes, which are more detailed due to their duration, are conducted by Joseph and Arlette D'Souza, a couple who have been married for 33 years. Their team consists of a couple married for 10 years, another married for longer, a priest and a doctor. Here, the sessions are more interactive and the couples are encouraged to extensively discuss issues pertaining to married life.

"The basis for society is a happy family and this course is my way of giving something back. Couples tell me they know each other better after these 48 hours than they ever did," says Joseph D'Souza. "The informal atmosphere and practical approach are what makes this course appealing to all."

While cynics may scoff at the relevance of these classes, a single statistic says it all: Presently, over 55,000 divorce cases are pending in the family courts of Bombay alone.

"Marriage laws haven't changed. What has changed are the attitudes, values and views. Living in, pre-marital sex, extramarital affairs, inter-religious marriages and abortions are far more common these days than they were a few decades ago. Presently, a marriage is like a gamble. People get into it without knowing whether they'll win or lose," says Fr Pimenta.

Saira Menezes, who took the classes along with her husband-to-be three months before their marriage, says, "My husband and I feel we benefited tremendously from the sessions. There were over 35 couples with us, feeling similar apprehensions and echoing the same excitement. Many of them are our good friends today. During the session, my fiance and I were made to write and then talk about basic issues like values and emotions. I actually learnt new things about my husband-to-be and what he thought."

Echoes Caroline Oliver, who has been married for 10 years now, "My husband's parents are deeply involved in this and so we decided to attend. The inputs were most informative. It taught me the significance of praying together and communication in married life. It's easy to live with yourself, but it's another matter to live with someone else. I feel the weekend classes are a better option as they are longer. Otherwise, it's a lot of information to handle in just a day."

The psychological aspects covered in the course are what Bennet Fernandes appreciates the most. "I have been married for over 13 years now and I feel the practical approach of the course was of immense help. Most people tend to romanticise marriage and don't know what they are getting into. These classes also make you feel like you have someone to turn to in case you need guidance later on."

However, Rita Pinto (name changed on request) feels these classes should not be made compulsory as it promotes a negative attitude. "People attend because they want the certificate, which is needed for a Church wedding."

Menezes, while agreeing that the mandatory element should be done away, says, "I would recommend these pre-nuptial classes to anyone who is getting married and especially to those whose marriages are arranged. It really helps you get to know your future life partner. But, ultimately, nothing can teach you like married life itself does!"

Counters Oliver, "It is good that the course is compulsory because people don't realise they need it. It is only after attending these classes that they appreciate its relevance."

Father Pimenta adds, "Ultimately, the success of these sessions depends entirely on the perspective of the participants. They are wasted on couples who are here just for the certificate. They are also useless for those who come with a closed mind and are unwilling to adapt."

Thus, while these classes are no guarantee to a successful marriage, they are a step in the right direction: A step that could help a couple walk through the rough patches of life.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier

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