The Rediff Special / Chitra Subramaniam
The Loin's principal interest in Geneva was ornithology which,
under the circumstances, acquired new meaning
The world will not be fooled. You are a nation of rapists,"
he snarled, as Indian diplomats ducked for cover and the chairman
of the UNHRC brought down the gavel in what must have been the
fastest flick of the wrist in modern history. Undeterred, the
Loin continued till the ambassador sitting next to him whispered
something into his ear. Three minutes were up. The Loin had done
his number. The Indian exchequer had lost a few.
Every year the Loin travelled to Geneva to tell the world over
six tedious weeks that Kashmir was India and India was Kashmir
and if Kashmir went, India would follow. The sting was in an emotional
appeal. For him that meant biting the microphone after spitting
into it for three minutes. He made sure that he used the term
"my Kashmir" so that doubts didn't remain about proprietary
rights.
The Kashmir problem, the Loin clarified, was a Western-Pakistan
conspiracy, like the war in Bosnia, with Serbia replacing Pakistan
in the equation. In fact, every UNHRC session opened with an Indo-Pak
spitting match, which other diplomats called "coffee, cigarettes
and loo time", before scurrying towards the exit.
But for India, the Loin's three-minute show during the six-week
stay (the taxpayers' part was well over crores by now) was worth
every spit. For 180 crucial seconds, the Loin would re-incarnate
and defend Kashmir better than any ministry of external affairs
spin doctor or Hollywood script writer, complete with tears
in his eyes, quivering lips and trembling fingers. And every year
his punch line was: "I will defend Kashmir with the last
drop of my blood. You have turned my beautiful valley into a killing
field. The Almighty is a witness to this." The possessive
"my" was in place.
Beyond that, the Loin was clueless. This was a big secret, as
was the fact that the pillar of Indian defence on Kashmir could
sleep with his eyes open. The Loin's principal interest in Geneva
was ornithology which, under the circumstances, acquired new meaning.
He spent a good part of his time, at the taxpayers's expense, birdwatching,
in full view of the world. "Where is she from, where is she
from?" he could be hard asking diplomats to his left and
right, sometimes unmindful of the microphone, leading to laughter
all around.
Diplomats complained in private that his brief attention
span was difficult to cope with. With a few glasses of the South
Asian staple (Scotch 'n' soda) in their veins, stories about the
Loin's escapades would pour out. He, the Loin, liked them short,
sweet and, if possible, not very intelligent. Questions bored
him.
The Loin was the fulcrum, the country's secular face. Sitting
next to Mr Voyager from the BJP and surrounded by diplomats from all religions, this was
a perfect photo-op of a mini-India, New Delhi asserted. "We
are the only multi-ethnic country in that part of the world",
diplomats learnt to say to every Tom, Dick and Paki who compared
Kashmir to Bosnia.
This was Bhutta's year. Clad in a blue salwar kameez, her head
draped demurely in a white shawl so that the Organisation of Islamic
Conference would not be offended, she had spoken to the world
from the podium in her high-pitched voice. She urged the UN, and
also daddy's friends in the United States, to mediate between
her country and India in their long-standing conflict over Kashmir.
She scoffed at the proposed elections in Kashmir, which she claimed,
like others that had preceded them, were a "sham" and
called for a UN resolution condemning India.
She then asked the
world to back Pakistan's call for a plebiscite that would give
Kashmiris the right to self-determination. "Muslims are not
safe in India," she squeaked, and pointed to the demolished
mosque. She then asked the commission's members to help Kashmir
by voting against India.
Illustrations: Dominic Xavier
Excerpted from India Is For Sale, by Chitra Subramaniam, UBS, 1997, Rs 250, with the publisher's permission. Readers who wish to buy a copy of the book may direct their inquiries to Mr H S Sethi, UBS, Apeejay Chambers, Wallace Street, Fort, Bombay 400 001.
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